First Year After Marriage

BY Tanya Sweeney

After what’s been the happiest day or your life, it’s only natural to believe that the happiest year of your life should come after. So you can only imagine the crash down to earth that most glowing brides experience once the confetti has been swept away.

“Friends of mine had warned me about a comedown period, but I the sense of anti-climax hit me like a train,” admits Colette, 36, from Newry. “I’d spent months and months planning every detail of our wedding in Madrid that I didn’t know what to do with my evenings in the first few months of married life. The stress  of planning the wedding day was off, but I sort of missed it. You’re the centre of attention for such a long time, and then it disappears to nothing!”

Fiona, 26, from Carraroe experienced a similar feeling of readjustment: ‘I think getting used to referring to Gearoid as my ‘husband’ took some getting used to,” she admits. “I loved married life, but being someone’s ‘wife’ sounded so scary and grown up…and reminded me of my mum!”

A less-than-ideal scenario, granted, but it transpires that the post-nuptial blues affect one in ten women. Experts have begun to establish that, after fixating on one day, brides can experience confusion, frustration and, in some cases, clinical depression. With no big sparkly day to look forward to, it’s reasonable that life might feel meaningless and mundane. Some brides are concerned that a feeling of regret starts to creep into their picture-perfect new existence. Adding insult to injury, there is also the nagging issue of post-wedding finances to deal with.

“I knew there would be some sort of down period,” admits Fionnuala, 31, from Baltinglass. “But I couldn’t understand why I felt like that. Was it because I didn’t want to be married? I hadn’t experienced the ‘cold feet’ before the wedding, and I worried that I hadn’t thought things through. I told my best friend that I was feeling a bit bluesy after the honeymoon, and I’m not sure she could understand how I could be feeling like that after such a happy time.”

One pressing issue that new brides can experience is, oddly enough, a feeling of loss. You may have gained a husband and a (hopefully great) set of in-laws, but the single you is no more. The run-up to a wedding is a confusing and chaotic time, and so a period of decompression is inevitable.

Mercifully, it is possible to nip the blues in the proverbial bud. It’s perfectly healthy to plan, plot and project about your wedding – you probably have done since you were knee high to Vera Wang – but fixating on your wedding will lead to anti-climax. Try not to obsess about your big day, and in the run-up to events, ensure that you have other interests and social outlets. Keep your energy directed at a number of projects. That way, the change between the pre- and post-wedding you won’t be so dramatic. Keep your wedding day in perspective; the clue is in the title, as it’s just one day.

To avoid the sense of comedown, try and plan for something six months after your wedding day. Make your first year of marriage one to remember by planning romantic mini-breaks and special dinner dates. On the other hand, try too and assert your independence in this new set-up.

If it happens, the key to getting over a post-wedding letdown is to talk about your feelings with friends and family. And should you find yourself arguing with your new husband about the usual mundane topics – housework, money, bills, sex – try to remember that this is par for the course in your first year of married life. Far from being a catastrophe or a depressing sign of things to come, arguing is a healthy means of readjustment.

Above all, try to keep focused on why it is you went through the plotting and planning of a wedding in the first place. It’s because you wanted to marry this person. Focus on the pluses and benefits of marriage, and on all that you have gained. Once you get over the post-wedding blues hump and settle into plain sailing, that’s where the real joy is to be found. And if you are clever enough to look forward to that, you’re doing a lot better than most new brides.